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Why You’re Not Getting Replies in Online Dating

OnlineDating

I’ve taken a bit of a back seat in my online dating life. There is a guy I’ve been on a couple of dates with but I don’t really go out of my way to fill my week with dates like I used to. At the same time, though, I do still get a lot of messages.

Some of them I do reply to. Most of them I don’t. Sometimes I tell them exactly why I’m not interested – I feel it’s helping them. Some people are just very bad at online dating.

So, if you’ve sent a message and the recipient hasn’t replied, perhaps it’s because of one of the following:

You have terrible photos.

I have already written before about the kinds of things you should think about with photos. But just to recap – your main photo should be you alone, preferably doing something fun. Then the others can be with friends of the same sex, but preferably ones of you still doing something fun.

If you have just one photo, then no. If you have just one photo of your face, then no. If you have a photo with you with a girl, it could be your ex, so no.

I know how hard it is to get photos of yourself doing fun things. But tell your friends to help – I’m sure they’d be happy to!

You’ve not written anything in your bio.

If you can’t be arsed to write about yourself then I can’t be arsed to get to know you. Give me a blurb.

You’ve made zero effort with your comment.

“Hey babe”, “Wow, you’re gorgeous” etc will NOT get replies. Read my profile, you can see many things about me to ask about.

Now, I can also be guilty of this. It’s mainly because guys don’t tend to write enough on their profiles so I often say “Hey, how’s your day going?” It shows interest without having to hook onto anything from the profile. This isn’t very good online dating and I am a bad person.

You’ve been rude AF in your message.

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I only just realised I forgot to wipe out his name under the messages. Whoops.

If you’re rude, then it’s not going to happen. The guy above, his photo was very nice. Shirt and chunky jumper, a cute smile. The kind of guy you’d take home to mum. But his first like was “want to fuck?” to which I replied “no”.

That was way back last year, and he does reply to me again from time to time, each time I turn him down. The above convo was from last Thursday. He’s not taking the hint.

I am just not interested.

Sometimes, I get a perfect message from a guy doing all the right things. But I am just not interested. I really wish I could control who I’m attracted to, because I would have found myself a nice guy by now. But I can’t.

Most of the time when I’m not interested I will just reply and say thank you, but no thank you. That can open a whole load of Bye Felipe, though.

Note that if you don’t get a reply, DON’T bug them again! Just leave it! They’re not interested.

 

If anyone has any advice on how to get replies, leave it in the comments!

Dating App Review: Once

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I started off my latest bout of singeness in a very careful and calculated manner. I downloaded just one app. Then another, to cover more based. Then, in researching which were actually the best dating apps out there, I just decided to jack it all in and download them all.

So, I now have a quite a collection. Luckily, I have a new phone and can work out how to easily disable notifications, so I dip in and out of them every few days just to check on updates.

One of the new ones I downloaded is an app named Once. Because Once a day you will be given a match. Usually I prefer never-ending streams of men to choose from, but the thing with Once that makes it quite attractive is that a real human being will be the one picking out your match, every day at 12 noon. I thought that was pretty neat.

I’ve had the app for about a week now, and I found that the first few matches were way outside of what I’m looking for. However, I did feel that the matcher was getting better at matching me the further they went on. You have to tap a crown to “OK” your match before they can chat with you, and I think I approved 2 or 3 of them. I have had no matches yet.

Although the first week’s matches were pretty good, the last couple have been what I’m looking for more-or-less, but really far away. Like, over 2 hours’ drive away. So I get the feeling that Matcher is running out of options for me, which is sad.

I’d keep using Once, but I think it needs a load more people on there in order to make it work. There is a paid option for you to be able to pick out your own match – but to be honest, if you’re going to do that, you might as well download Tinder.

To get more Online Dating tips, check out my Ultimate Guide.

Things That Have Changed Since I Last Did Online Dating

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So I find myself single again, after having thought that perhaps I wouldn’t be single again. Having to deal with this alongside my new, challenging job has been tough, but I believe two things:

  1. You learn something from every relationship.
  2. It is a complete waste of time to sit and be sad over something that you cannot change. You cannot force someone to be different to how they are, but you can pick yourself up and find someone who is more suitable.

So after a brief mourning period, I have put myself back on the market. Yeah, I still get a pain in my chest when I see something that reminds me of ex-bfnd, but deep down I know that although it was great, there will be someone out there who is better for/to me than he was.

I have reunited myself with my two old friends, Tinder and OK Cupid, wrote a really witty profile for the latter (in the style of a job advert) and something catchy for the former. Here is what I have found so far:

People still consider it a taboo to be on online dating sites

I was out in the pub with a group of friends the other night, and I was talking about a date I had just come from. One guy at the table said “I’m ashamed to say, but yes I use online dating”. I told him there is absolutely nothing wrong with using apps and sites to find someone. It’s bloody hard to find people these days – people our age are working long, long hours and there aren’t community places anymore where people can just randomly meet. For us girls, it’s often uncomfortable and unwelcome to be hit on by unknown guys in, say, clubs and bars. So it’s good to be able to approve who can approach us.

Guys still ask “how are you finding it on here?”

It’s always the same – you ask about their job, where they are, what they do for fun, then it comes. “How are you finding it on here?”

I used to be confused about this, but when I thought about it, as a recruiter I do the exact same thing. I ask my candidates if they have been applying to any other jobs, or if they have other interviews. I do this to understand how loyal they’ll be to me, and to prevent me breaking my neck to get them a good job, only for them to get an offer somewhere else first.

Guys – crappy guys, nice guys, interesting guys – keep asking me the same, and I guess for the same reasons. They want to see how many dates I’m going on, to see if they have competition. I usually complain about guys saying gross things to me, but once this week I replied with the truth – that I have had a fair few coffee dates already, some guys I really liked, some guys were a bit meh. I thought maybe the guy would be put off by this, but he was ok with it. I guess everyone is in the same boat.

Tinder is bug-ridden and violates your privacy

Tinder is still a great app, because I can control who can contact me. But there’s an update of recent that makes the app crash whenever I’m not logged into wifi (it seems from the app reviews that I’m by far not the only one).

Not only that, but it now takes your university and job title and puts it on your “card”. If you’ve not upgraded and disabled this yet, people swiping you probably can still see it. Be warned.

 

I’m finding the “scene” a lot better than when I was on it before. Maybe I have a clearer vision of what I want (or even, that before I was going on dates without expecting to end up dating someone). My dad’s girlfriend told me that I should meet with as many guys as possible as it’s always better in real life than over text. True enough, I have met with a couple of guys who I would have normally turned down online, and they both turned out to be really great IRL.

I’ll be going slow this time, because I really don’t want my next relationship to fail. I’ve learnt that actually I would like someone to be by my side, I’d like someone to support and to support me, and I want to build a future with someone.

And at the very least, dating posts seem to be well received on here, so it’ll provide good reading material for you guys! 😉

Charlotte’s Ultimate Guide to Online Dating

Dating Guide

Now I have consciously coupled myself, I feel I should open up about all the different methods of dating that I tried. I did the whole online dating thing because meeting new people takes a lot of time and effort, and since I move about so much, there is little chance of me being set up with friends of friends and so on.

Before we start, I want to tell you the best advice I can give you – don’t actively look for a relationship. It may look like I did a whole lot of looking and that I wanted a relationship really badly, but actually I didn’t. Even when it came to dating bfnd, I had a moment of “holy crap this is a relationship you’re getting into. This was not the plan ABORT ABORT!!”

When you super want a relationship, you stink of desperation. It’s something I should have known when I was in Japan and wanted nothing more than someone to love. Just chill out, enjoy yourself, have fun, HAVE YOUR OWN HOBBIES, and things will work out.

For the most part, I kept up the dating profiles for shits and giggles, and to have something to write about on the blog.

So, here is my guide to online dating in 2015:

I went through a number of dating websites and methods. The whole process is slow, mainly because there are so many utter penis-faces out there – probably in both genders. After a while I got better at picking out guys who I thought would be suitable to me.

I think it’s a good idea to make a checklist, or at least have a good idea about what you want in a partner when setting out. For example, my checklist was:

  • Progressive thinker (no sexist guys, or people who use “gay” as a negative adjective, for example)
  • Someone who enjoys his job, or at least has a passion
  • Someone who has his own life and hobbies and won’t rely on me completely for social interaction
  • An ex-expat/non-Brit/someone who has done a lot of traveling

However, it is always worth keeping an open mind. I’ll tell you more about that later, how I had to have an open mind to start my relationship.

So, what websites and methods did I use?

OK Cupid

I used OK Cupid the longest; while I was in Frankfurt still and then in the UK too. I stopped because, due to it being free, the number of penis-faces was very high. I have a wonderful collection of screenshots from the kinds of things guys said to me there.

Verdict: A good place to start, the questions that you answer are great for weeding out weirdos, but since everyone can message you, you can expect a high level of hassle there. Great design and very easy to use.

Plenty of Fish

After I quit OK Cupid I started on POF. The interface isn’t as pretty or as well organised as OK Cupid’s but I felt the level of people on there was a little higher. I didn’t get nearly as many penis-faces contact me, though I feel there were slightly fewer people on there in my area. It’s free, and anyone can contact you.

Verdict: Probably the best of the free sites. It takes a while to get used to how the site works, but is a good site at the end of the day and worth keeping a profile up just to see what’s out there.

Match.com

Match.com is not free, and I selected to try it for one month just to see what it’s like. I found it ridiculously stressful to use, as the tab text is constantly flashing YOU HAVE 10 MESSAGES!! 100 PEOPLE HAVE VIEWED YOUR PROFILE!! LOADS OF PEOPLE HAVE WINKED AT YOU!!

I found that the quality of people on the site was OK Cupid-level. I didn’t find anyone on there even remotely interesting. It just seemed that this was the place people go to when they are getting pretty desperate and want to start paying to find dates, but don’t want to pay too much.

At the end of the month, Match.com renewed my subscription without warning. I emailed them and said that if I wanted to go for a few months, I would not have selected the one month package. They explained that I had been told that the subscriptions are rolling and so they would not refund me. Being angry that I had to pay another £30 to use their stressful site, I went on a date with the only guy who looked mildly interesting on there, and it was a pretty crap date.

Verdict: No. Just don’t. You’re worth more than this.

Speed dating

I did speed dating twice and it was actually quite fun. I think it’s important that you go to an event near to where you live, though. This may sound a little obvious, but for example, if you’re living just outside of London and go to an event, you might find that everyone else also live just outside of London, just the wrong side. I am not going all the way to Essex for a guy. Nope.

I am not a fan of long first dates and had a rule that the first few should be no longer than 40 mins, so I really liked having just a few minutes with each guy. That way, if there is someone in front of you who you really don’t like, it’s not long before they’re out of your way. Anyone you do like, you can get their number afterwards at the bar and contact them further.

Verdict: One of the best options. Have a google for good events in your area.

Tinder

Tinder was a difficult one at first. You may think that it is just for hookups but I actually found it, after a while, easy to pick out guys wanting something more. I even had to politely apologise to a few guys I’d been messaging for a while when I unsingled myself.

For those not in the know, Tinder is an app where you swipe right or left to decide if you are interesting in someone. If you both swipe yes to each other, you can contact them. I’d say 80% of the time I got matches and nothing was ever said between us, but like I said, I also had quite a few good matches on there.

Verdict: Once you get good at being judgemental, it’s nice to be able to weed out people you don’t want to talk to. I think Tinder is another one of my favourite date-finding methods.

Guardian Soulmates

Guardian Soulmates is one of these “make a profile for free but you’ll need to pay to actually do anything” websites. I recommend giving it a go – I never paid because my area had nothing but tumbleweed.

Protip: If you make a profile and want to pay, leave it a few weeks at least; they’ll email you with money-off codes and even free trials.

Twitter/Random setups

My wonderful mate Kate tried to get the Twitterverse to find me a date, and I actually went on a Valentine’s Day date with someone else I’d been matched with. It’s fun but ultimately not really the best method.

I like setting people up very much, so if you have a cupid friend then they’re pretty good to go to. I’ve got a number of successful couples under my belt – and even a married couple now!

Verdict: Hit and miss.

Meetup.com/Falling for friends

Firstly: MEETUP IS NOT A DATING WEBSITE.

I have to say that because I do get tired when I get random guys message me on there. Meetup.com is my favourite website; join local groups, go to events and make friends. I’m a member of a number of groups, and do all kinds of things from wine tasting events, badmington and volunteering with the groups there. Without this website, I would not have the social life I have right now.

I met bfnd through meetup.com. We both were on the same pub quiz team, and lived in the same direction so walked home together. When I met him I thought he was pretty hot, and really interesting and the more I spoke with him the more I fell. But he’s a year younger than me, and I have a strict “no younger guys” rule. Mainly because I find that younger guys cause drama, are scared of things like commitment and are just not all that good. We stayed as friends and went to loads of different meetups together, but there was something that changed a few weeks ago and I needed to get over my “no younger guys” rule in order to let an amazing guy into my life.

Verdict: Meetup.com is my favourite website; but don’t go in it stinking of desperation. Make friends, get to know people and fall slowly.

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