“British Values”

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It’s not often that I’m not clued up on a British news story, but there is one this week that I refuse to read more into. There’s a big hoo-hah about something to do with non-Christian faith schools and something to do with Trojan horses and Britain being a Christian country.

I dunno, it just seems like casual racism – the kind that made me nervous to come back to England. Anti-Islamic feelings are pretty high right now, perhaps as high as they were before, but people are being more vocal about it. Someone on my Facebook last week posted something asking why 9000 people had died on D-Day when we still have halal meat on sale in the UK and people get sent to jail because others find their tweets offensive. I did try to correct him, but to be honest, it was a post that had been reposted from somewhere else – with no doubt thousands of others also reposting it. There’s no way to help these people.

This morning in the Guardian there was an article which I did not read, about Mr Gove who is Britain’s education secretary and all-round plonker, who apparently said that schools should be teaching “British values”. Awesome! So, here are some British values that I think kids should be taught in schools – the things that are really important to being British.

1. Complaining about the weather.

Every British person understands the importance of being able to complain about the weather, no matter what the weather is.

2. Can-based-meat.

Spam. Corned beef. I even saw bacon in a can in my family’s cupboard. All hail the canned meat!

3. Fish and chip shop loyalty.

Any British person will tell you where the best fish and chip shop is in Britain. Outside that establishment will be a proud sign saying that they are the best in the country. Until you go to one of the other “best in the country” places, that is… (For me and my family it’s always Aldeburgh).

4. The price of Freddos.

Something will will anger any Brit is the price of a Freddo. These chocolate frogs used to be just 10p back in our nostalgic childhoods. However, the price keeps going up and up – and the voices complaining about this get louder and louder. Freddos should be 10p!

5. Knowing the real meanings behind things.

If someone says “would you like the last biscuit”, they actually mean “I’m going to eat the last biscuit but am doing this polite gesture before I do so”. They do not, under any circumstances mean for you to eat the last biscuit. If they say “you’re welcome” without you having to say thank you first, it means that you should have said thank you. Knowing the meanings behind what we say is key to understanding brits.

Those are five of my British values. Are there any other brits out there who can offer up some more for us?


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