“British Values”

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It’s not often that I’m not clued up on a British news story, but there is one this week that I refuse to read more into. There’s a big hoo-hah about something to do with non-Christian faith schools and something to do with Trojan horses and Britain being a Christian country.

I dunno, it just seems like casual racism – the kind that made me nervous to come back to England. Anti-Islamic feelings are pretty high right now, perhaps as high as they were before, but people are being more vocal about it. Someone on my Facebook last week posted something asking why 9000 people had died on D-Day when we still have halal meat on sale in the UK and people get sent to jail because others find their tweets offensive. I did try to correct him, but to be honest, it was a post that had been reposted from somewhere else – with no doubt thousands of others also reposting it. There’s no way to help these people.

This morning in the Guardian there was an article which I did not read, about Mr Gove who is Britain’s education secretary and all-round plonker, who apparently said that schools should be teaching “British values”. Awesome! So, here are some British values that I think kids should be taught in schools – the things that are really important to being British.

1. Complaining about the weather.

Every British person understands the importance of being able to complain about the weather, no matter what the weather is.

2. Can-based-meat.

Spam. Corned beef. I even saw bacon in a can in my family’s cupboard. All hail the canned meat!

3. Fish and chip shop loyalty.

Any British person will tell you where the best fish and chip shop is in Britain. Outside that establishment will be a proud sign saying that they are the best in the country. Until you go to one of the other “best in the country” places, that is… (For me and my family it’s always Aldeburgh).

4. The price of Freddos.

Something will will anger any Brit is the price of a Freddo. These chocolate frogs used to be just 10p back in our nostalgic childhoods. However, the price keeps going up and up – and the voices complaining about this get louder and louder. Freddos should be 10p!

5. Knowing the real meanings behind things.

If someone says “would you like the last biscuit”, they actually mean “I’m going to eat the last biscuit but am doing this polite gesture before I do so”. They do not, under any circumstances mean for you to eat the last biscuit. If they say “you’re welcome” without you having to say thank you first, it means that you should have said thank you. Knowing the meanings behind what we say is key to understanding brits.

Those are five of my British values. Are there any other brits out there who can offer up some more for us?

 

Gogglebox – with a Pinch of Homesickness

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Guys, I’m in love. With a tv programme.

It all started when I was skyping my mum and my littlest sister was watching tv on her laptop – a show called Gogglebox, on channel 4. Whenever I go home I get eyestrain from rolling my eyes at British tv; I can’t stand all the Celebrity Strictly Come in a Jungle Factor Live or No Deal. But mum INSISTED I watch this Gogglebox – because there was one episode that was quite emotional and she wanted to know if I’d cry at it. I know. My mum is weird.

I kept my promise and watched some of this show. The concept is this – you are watching people sat on their sofa (or, in one case, in bed) who are watching tv. You can see what their reactions to that week’s tv was.

It’s probably no surprise that this kind of show is popular – we Brits seem to like peeping Tom kind of shows, from Big Brother to this show I seem to remember from ages ago where we just watch a family go about their daily business. We like watching people, then pointing and screaming at the tv with “WE DO THAT TOO!” It brings us all together.

Only, I don’t do that too. Because they are in the UK, watching all the normal tv, and I’m in Germany, putting on a proxy to try and catch up with British goings-on. And I think the reason why I’ve found myself so addicted to this show is because it makes me feel like I’m back home, while making me pretty homesick.

The show itself is hilarious. They’ve got a great slice of Britain – a kind of dumb family, a super smart family, a gay couple…and the posh couple (above) who are my favourites. There was a moment which I think is the most British thing I have ever seen. They were watching the emotional scene that mum wanted me to watch (from Educating Yorkshire, where a little boy with a stammer talks for the first time thanks to some headphones and a bit of music). Yes, it made me cry. It was pretty hard to watch and not get emotional. Posh Lady on the sofa agreed, and started to tear up herself. Posh Man noticed and turned to her to say in the poshest accent ever “Darling, are you having a bit of a cry there?” To which Posh Lady throws back a mouthful of her cocktail, wipes her eyes and denies having emotions. My friends, you don’t get anything more British than that.

I found out about some really terrible programmes through Gogglebox as well. The worst one (so far) is a gameshow called “Release the Hounds” where a man runs down a course with a bag of money on his back, while being chased by dogs. If he makes it to the end then he keeps the money, but if (as happened in the clip I saw) he gets caught by the dogs then he is supposedly bitten to pieces. WHAT IS THIS AND WHY ARE PEOPLE WATCHING?!

Going back to how it kind of makes me homesick, it just really highlights how far away from my own culture I am right now. I wouldn’t want to watch half of that crap, but there was a segment on poppy day and I realised that it was the first time ever that I hadn’t been wearing a poppy – I’d flat out forgotten about the day and the silence. I was trying to tell my flatmate’s girlfriend how it made me sad but it just sounds lame “I forgot to wear a paper poppy to remember the people who died at war and it makes me really sad and I’m tearing up”. No really, I teared up.

I’ve found a YouTube video of one of my favourite parts – Nigella Lawson’s show on Gogglebox. I think this just shows how hilarious the posh couple are. Hope you all enjoy it!

How to Survive in Primark

Primark is a wonderful Irish invention; a shop that sells very very cheap clothes for those who have no sweat-shop related social conscience. You can buy t-shirts for 4 euros, jeans for 8 and a dress for that party you wanted to go to for less than 20. It was my savior at uni РI could be dressed fashionably AND have enough money to buy ridic expensive Japanese textbooks!

Then I came to Frankfurt. Frankfurt has CRAP shopping. Seriously, if you are visiting here and want to spend the day shopping, save your time and money and just don’t. There is a Primark up in a shopping centre in the north and it was nice to make a day trip there once every few months and just buy EVERYTHING – because it was the closest thing to home fashion as I could get. But now there is a new Primark that opened on Frankfurt high street and so you can’t shop there anymore because every spotty teenager from Dornbusch to Darmstadt will have the same items.

BUT since I know a lot of people here are new to Primark, I will tell you as a Primark pro how to work your way around these battlefields.

Rule number 1 РOnly bring with you fellow Primark warriors.

Got kids? Nope, try for Primark at 10am on a week day. Leave your boyfriend/husband/non-shopper at home because children and stragglers will only get kicked to the side when all the serious shopping starts. They will get in your way, they will get in my way. We will all be sad.

Rule number 2 – Don’t try it on.

Are you seriously going to wait in that queue for 40 minutes to try on a top that costs 12 euros? Buy it, and if it doesn’t fit, take it back. Or, go at 10am on a weekday.

Rule number 3 – Don’t make it more difficult for staff.

In terms of hardcore levels, you have your That-Guy-Who-Jumped-Out-The-Rockets, you have your Chuck Norris’. Then you have Primark staff. They cannot just throw down their baskets and say “I’m outta here” when the Primarkers get crazy – they HAVE to be there. So even though you picked that Mickey Mouse t-shirt from a mountain, don’t just throw it on the floor after you’ve opened it to see what the rest of Mickey’s face looks like – attempt to fold it and put it back where it should be.

Rule number 4 – This is a battle ground.

Your buggy is in my way. I will move it to the side politely because it’s in my way. You yourself are in my way. I will put my hand on your shoulder and ask you politely to let me past. We are all in each others’ ways. But let’s not be dicks about it, ok? We are not heathens! Let’s not ram past or send each other flying or huff and puff when you can’t get past. After all, we are all here for the love of cheap fashion. And that is a glorious love to have.

Rule number 5 – Don’t be Those Primark People.

You know Those Primark People. Usually a small group of girls or young women, they’ve filled their baskets up want to assess their purchases and maybe try a few things on. So they set up camp in the corner, building a small wall of clothes around them so that no one can get by, and they sort their clothes out, and try on anything they want to try on. Look…this is annoying. You’re blocking a load of clothes, you’re blocking the way, you’re being stupid. If you don’t like something, don’t put it into your basket. Simple as that.

So there we have it – my top Primark tips. If any fellow Primark warriors happen to be reading this and have some tips, please do let me know in the comments!

Accents

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The other day I introduced a new co-worker to my pub quiz team. My American and German friend said that they really loved his accent; he’s a well educated British guy…well aside from the British and guy part, I said I assume he was well educated – you can tell from his accent. I was trying to explain to them that while, on the surface, it seems that Britain doesn’t have class systems anymore, you can tell a person’s upbringing, education and “class” by their accent.

Accent is a funny thing. I read a paper when I was in uni about how different accents make you feel certain ways, and so companies take advantage of this – for example, the Scottish accent will make you warm to the person and feel calm, so they put a lot of Scottish people in call centres. I had trouble in uni because of my accent – I have a typical RP, or “Queen’s English” accent, which usually tells people that you are well off and posh and stuck up. So this is how people thought of me, despite me telling people that I am normal, went to an average school and lived in some pretty rough areas when I grew up. People would take what I said and twist them to make it sound like I was looking down my nose at people, or just make rude and snide comments about my accent.

In Britain there is a north-south divide which I wasn’t even aware of until I went to uni. I’m from the south, and while people sometimes make jokes about Liverpudlians, or maybe about people from Newcastle, there’s rarely any bad mouthing of people from the north in general. The stuff I experienced at uni in Liverpool was just one part of it – when I was dating a guy from Middlesborough and I went to go stay with his family up there, his uncles and cousins had lots of stories and comments about how rude and stuck up and horrible southern people are. So when someone speaks the way I speak, all these images are brought up for a lot of people – even though I’m not like that.

On the flipside, my accent can (sadly) help me out in the working world – or at least in England. I’m not sure how true it is, but I’m told that people with RP accents are more likely to score top jobs and make good impressions in interviews. In an article I read this week, too, a brain surgeon comments that him being an East London boy is an unexpected thing, given his profession. Again, this comes down to accent – people don’t expect people with a “rough” London accent to do such a skilled job as brain surgery. Another good example is this woman from BBC News –

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Most BBC news presenters have “clean” southern accents, but she has a very strong northern accent. She’s the business woman on the show and often explains all the complicated¬†economical news, but some people find her accent very off putting, or out of place in this job.

Even my American friend couldn’t understand when I explained all this to her, so I think maybe, in the English-speaking world at least, it’s a British thing. Are there stereotypes or prejudice placed on certain accents where you are from?

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